I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
