My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
no, he came in my armpit
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
