I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
