From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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