Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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