The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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