This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
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Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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