I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
