I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
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i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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