so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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