So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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