Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
