Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
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making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
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Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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