A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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