Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
