I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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