Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My pussy is not your playground.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
