nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
