we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
