The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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