I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Your dad touched me again.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
