Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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