my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
