I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
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I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
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I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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