my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
