Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
