So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
