Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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