Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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