new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
