i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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