Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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