And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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