dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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