He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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