he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
