You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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