Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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