I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
