Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
