just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
So squirting runs in the family.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
