like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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