This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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