I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
