you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
