Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
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THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.