Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
