sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
