Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
