oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
