3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is it penis luge time yet?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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