I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
