throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
