saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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